This Old Elevator
by Red Witch
Summary: Cyril somehow gets the Figgis Agency on his favorite TV show.


** The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is stuck in an elevator. Just more madness from my tiny little mind on…**

**This Old Elevator **

"Come on in Lana," Ron opened the door to the kitchen and let Lana in. "AJ is taking a nap. I'll brew you some coffee."

"I could use some. Thanks for watching AJ, Ron," Lana sighed. "The past few days have been crazy enough as it is. This stupid teacher's strike just makes things more complicated."

"I don't mind," Ron waved. "We had fun today. We went to the zoo."

"And when you say the zoo…" Lana paused as she sat down. "Are you talking about animals with numbers on their backs running around in a circle?"

"No, the **actual** zoo," Ron said. "Trust me, AJ learned more about animals today than she would in a week's worth of school. Even I learned something! Did you know for every human in the world there are one million ants?"

"Good thing we have exterminators then," Lana remarked as Ron poured her some coffee.

"Did you also know that the only animals besides humans to undergo menopause besides humans are humpback whales and elephants?" Ron aske as he sat down.

"Cue one of Mallory's jokes about Pam," Lana smirked.

"And a tarantula spider can survive more than two years without food," Ron went on. "Where my wife can't survive less than two hours without alcohol."

"Even less," Lana said. "I've seen that woman drink rubbing alcohol rather than go a few hours being sober."

"I believe it," Ron nodded. "What did she do **this time**?"

"It wasn't her," Lana groaned. "She's still at the hospital. Cyril and everyone else however…Let's just say he's not happy spending money for repairs to the agency. And possibly getting sued…"

"Oh, I gotta hear **this story**," Ron said. "Spill it."

"Here's what happened **this time**," Lana sighed. "You know Cyril has a thing for elevators?"

"News to me actually," Ron remarked.

"Well he does," Lana said. "He finds them fascinating. And there's this TV show about elevator repair."

"TV shows about _elevators_?" Ron did a double take. "That's a **thing?**"

"There is a show for literally everything now," Lana said. "Name a thing, it's a show."

Ron paused. "People who never throw anything out and their house is a mess."

"Hoarders," Lana shrugged. "What else you got? That one was too easy."

"Cooking shows," Ron said. "With marijuana as the main ingredient."

"There's at least two of them," Lana said. "And a third one on the way. Come on."

"Okay…" Ron thought. "Kids unwrapping toys."

"Entire channels of that online," Lana shrugged.

"Tattooing shows," Ron suggested. "You know shows about tattoo artists?"

"Oh yeah," Lana nodded. "They have those."

"A show about ice cream," Ron said.

"Yup," Lana nodded.

"Really? What channel?" Ron asked. "Oh, I'll look it up. How about a pizza show? All about pizza all over the world?"

"They have that too," Lana said. "Same channel I believe."

"One about beer?" Ron asked.

"Oh yeah," Lana nodded.

"Ooh! My TV is going to be busy this weekend," Ron grinned. "How about those divorce court shows? Are they still on?"

"They are," Lana nodded.

"Good that gives me hope for the future," Ron said. "Okay let's think out of the box here. I got it! A show about people dealing with parking tickets."

"There's a show about that," Lana told him.

"Really?" Ron blinked. "How about a show about exterminators?"

"They have that," Lana told him.

"People who think they are vampires?" Ron asked.

"Oh yeah," Lana nodded.

"Amish mob bosses?"

"Got it."

"Cats that are out of control?"

"Got it."

"Shows about coupons?"

"Got it."

"Christmas decoration shows?"

"Ho, ho, ho. There you go."

"Shows about people raising eight or more kids."

"Literally a dozen of them."

"Barbecue cook offs?"

"Got it."

"Mediums that channel the dead spirits of the stars?"

"Got it."

"Mediums that channel the dead spirits of crazy people in asylums?"

"Got it."

"People selling yachts?"

"Anchors away!"

"Curling! You know that thing with the stone and the brooms?"

"Yup."

"People just playing video games and talking about it?"

"Yup."

"Eating challenges? Like on restaurants and stuff?"

"That's practically an **entire channel,"** Lana told him.

"Really?" Ron asked.

"Ron there are over a thousand channels now," Lana said. "And that's not even counting the streaming services you get online. Or all those movies that are made exclusively for those streaming services. They have to fill all that air time somehow. Trust me, if there's something you're into. Odds are there's a show about it."

"Okay," Ron nodded. "For the sake of this conversation, let's agree there's a show about elevator repair. And Cyril watches it. What happened?"

"Oh, why tell you when I can **show you**?" Lana sighed. "It's on demand." She reached for the kitchen television remote on the table.

"Wait he got on the **show?**" Ron did a double take.

"Oh yeah," Lana sighed. "He managed to get the entire show to film an episode at the Figgis Agency."

"I didn't know there was anything wrong with your agency's elevator," Ron said.

"Well there was when Krieger was finished with it," Lana sighed as she set up the TV in the kitchen.

"This is going to be crazy isn't it?" Ron groaned.

"Oh yeah," Lana said as she turned it on.

_There were images of elevators with catchy music on the screen. "Welcome to This Old Elevator," A narrator said. "With your host, Smilin' Jim Janson!" _

_On screen was a smiling bearded man with brown bushy hair wearing overalls. "Hello! It's me! Smilin' Jim Janson! Today on This Old Elevator we're going to check out what's wrong at the Figgis Agency."_

"Phrasing," Ron called out. "What** isn't** wrong at the Figgis Agency?"

"_This here is Cyril Figgis of the Figgis Detective Agency," Jim walked over to a very happy looking Cyril in one of the Figgis Agency's hallways. _

"_Hello!" Cyril waved enthusiastically. _

"_It's good to meet you Cyril," Jim said. _

"_Great to be here Jim!" Cyril said a little too loudly. "Oh my God this is so cool!" _

"_This is going to be fun," Jim said. "We've never worked on an elevator in a real detective agency before!"_

"_Bad news Jim," Pam was heard off camera. "You still haven't."_

"_SHUT UP!" Cyril snapped. "That's Pam. Such a card. Always joking around."_

"_I wish I __**was **__joking," Pam called out. _

"_This whole thing is a joke," Cheryl was hear. "I mean this is lame even by your standards Cyril." _

"_Big talk from someone who doesn't __**have any!"**__ Cyril snapped. "Ignore them Jim. They're just jealous." _

"_Yeah we're so jealous we're deliberately standing __**off camera**__," Pam added. "So nobody will recognize us." _

"_I'd be lying if I said you people were the first," Jim sighed. _

"_Ignore them Jim," Cyril said. "They wouldn't know a quality show if it walked up to them with a banner saying Quality Show and kicked them repeatedly!" _

"_Someone should kick __**you**__ repeatedly," Pam groaned off camera. _

"_This is one of the stupidest things you have ever done," Cheryl was heard off camera._

"_Number One was __**you**__!" Cyril shouted. _

"_Uh, let's see the elevator, shall we?" Jim suggested. _

"_Good idea," Cyril said as he led him to where the elevator was. "Here are two of my employees. Dr. Krieger and Ray Gillette." _

"_Hello!" Krieger waved. "Happy to be here." _

"_I lost the toss up," Ray admitted. "And I wasn't smart enough like Lana to run out of the agency before the cameras arrived." _

"_Let's take a look at what we have here," Jim looked inside the open door. _"_Why is there a hole in the top of the elevator?" _

"_Pam was using that damn pogo stick again," Cyril groaned. _

"_Don't ask," Ray sighed. _

"_Okay…" Jim asked. "Cyril tell me what the other problems you've noticed about this elevator are?" _

"_Well," Cyril began. "I've noticed that the stabilizers blah, blah, blah. And that blah. Blah, blah. Blah. Blah." _

"_I see," Jim nodded. "That could be blah. Blah, blah, blah very common in blah, blah. Blah, blah. Blah blah. Blah. Blah. Supporting blah. Blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah." _

"_So then…" Cyril began. "Blah? Blah. Blah blah?"_

"_Yes," Jim nodded. "What we need to do is blah. Then blah, blah. Blah blah blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah panel blah blah blah blah blah. For that we're going to need a blah. Blah. Blah. Ba-Blah." _

"_Blah blah?" Cyril asked._

"_Ba-Blah, blah," Jim nodded. "Blah, blah blah. Blah." _

"Are they just saying blah, blah, **blah**?" Ron blinked.

"That's exactly what it sounds like to me too," Lana sighed.

"_Why don't we…?" Jim began. "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah? Then blah, blah, blah, blah. After which we can blah, blah, blah. Then plug the hole and blah, blah, blah…." _

"_Tell me Jim," Cyril spoke up. "I've been hearing about blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah? Blah?"_

"_Blah," Jim nodded his head. "Of course, you have to remember that blah. Blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah. Blah blah. Blah. Blah. Shock absorbers blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." _

"_Oh blaaaah," Cyril nodded. "Right." _

"_Blah," Jim agreed. "But in your case, blah, blah. Blah. Blah!"_

"This thing could put sleeping pills out of business," Ron yawned.

"Trust me," Lana sighed. "You'll wake up in a few minutes."

"_What I'm going to do now," Jim motioned. "Is blah, blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah, blah. Then blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah blah."_

"_You're going to blah, blah?" Cyril asked. "Shouldn't you blah blah first?"_

"_Not in this case," Jim shook his head. "Normally yes we'd blah. But from what I can see blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Then blah. Blah, blah, blah, blabbidy, blah." _

"_Is it just me or are they just saying blah over and over?" Ray asked Krieger. _

"_Uh…A little," Krieger blinked. _

"_We get that a lot," Jim admitted. "From people who aren't into elevator repair." _

"_Okay let's check the control panel," Jim said as he walked inside. "Huh. I see there's a button there for something I have never seen before. What does EPD mean?"_

"_Oh, I installed that," Krieger said. "It stands for Escape Pod Delta. I put the delta in because it sounded cool." _

"_What does __**that mean**__?" Jim asked. "What does that button do?"_

"_Well in an emergency situation," Krieger explained. "It activates the rockets below and safely evacuates whoever is in there out of the building." _

"_Rockets?" Jim shouted. "You attached __**rockets **__to the elevator?"_

"_Yeah let me show you!" Krieger took out a remote and pushed a button. _

"_Krieger no!" Cyril shouted as the doors closed on Jim. A rumble was heard. "Uh oh…"_

"_HIT THE DECK!" Ray warned. They all moved away as the elevator rumbled. _

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Jim was heard screaming in the elevator. _

"_GO! GO! GO!" Ray waved as the camera moved. _

_Soon it was showing the gang running out of the agency. "What's going on?" Pam was seen running up to them as the gang congregated outside. _

"_Robert H. God-Damn It over here decided to attach rockets to the elevator!" Ray pointed to Krieger. _

"_You pushed the button, didn't you?" Cheryl groaned as she walked up to them._

"_YOU KNEW?" Cyril shouted. _

"_You __**didn't**__?" Cheryl asked. _

"_OH MY GOD!" Cyril saw something._

_The camera swung upwards to see the elevator hovering dozens of feet in the air over them. "Oh my God…" Cyril whined. "Oh my God…" The camera turned back to the gang. _

"_I hope he's okay in there," Krieger blinked._

"_The man is hovering dozens of miles in the air in an elevator!" Cyril snapped. "He's __**not**__ okay Krieger!" _

"_I think I can hear him screaming," Cheryl remarked. "Cool!" _

"_Just like that scene in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory," Ray blinked. "Only he can't see a damn thing." _

"_Well technically he can," Cyril gulped. "Through the hole Pam made. Just not that much." _

"_Probably just as well," Krieger winced. _

"_Why?" Cyril asked._

"_Elevators don't exactly have any landing gear," Krieger said. "I've been meaning to work on that…" _

"_WHAT?" Cyril shouted. Cyril then looked at the camera. "That waiver I signed. Saying in case of disasters we weren't liable. That applies to __**this **__doesn't it?" _

"_Honestly I'd be surprised if it did," Krieger remarked. _

"_Oh God!" Cyril groaned. _

"_Especially if the elevator lands in a building and destroys it completely," Cheryl added. "Or lands on someone. Squishing the life out of them." _

"_Oh God!" Cyril groaned. _

"_Or it could just kill Jim," Krieger shrugged. "I mean if you can die in an elevator if it falls too far in its own shaft, I'm pretty sure you can die in an elevator that falls miles from…"_

"_YOU'RE NOT HELPING KRIEGER!" Cyril snapped. "Krieger! That remote control you have! Can you use it to gently maneuver the elevator down? So that Jim __**doesn't**__ die?" _

"_Hey!" Krieger realized as he looked at the remote. "That would be useful wouldn't it?"_

"_Krieger!" Cyril shouted._

"_I __**knew**__ I was forgetting something important when I was attaching the rockets," Krieger remarked. _

_To this Cyril screamed in rage and tackled Krieger. Then started beating him up. Krieger got away and Cyril started chasing him around. "God, I __**love**__ days like this," Cheryl laughed. "Some days work really is fun!"_

"_I don't think Smilin' Jim thinks that this is one of them," Ray groaned. _

"_Something's happening," Pam pointed. _

_The camera focused on the elevator wobbling in the air. "Uh oh." Krieger was heard saying. "I forgot to fill up the rocket fuel. Sorry. My bad. OW! OW! CYRIL! OWWW!" _

"_YOU CRAZY KRAUT CLONE FRUITCAKE!" Cyril was heard yelling as the elevator was sputtering and starting to fall. Sounds of Cyril attacking Krieger were heard again. _

"_Ooh! What if he falls on the freeway?" Cheryl was heard. "SPLAT! HA HA HA! OWWW!" _

"_Seriously bitch," Ray was heard. "Inapropes!" _

"_Man look at the hang time on that thing," Pam was heard._

"_And __**you!**__" Ray added. "Oh God! It's coming down! It's coming down!"_

"_Giant flaming fireball," Cheryl was heard chanting. "Giant flaming fireball! Come on giant flaming…OW!" _

"_One more time and you will not see the crash!" Ray was heard warning. _

"_I'll be quiet," Cheryl said apologetically. _

"_There isn't going to be a crash!" Cyril was heard snapping. Then the elevator began to sink lower. "Oh God! There's going to be a crash!" _

_The camera moved onto Cyril for a moment. "Again, we're not liable right?" Cyril asked. _

_The camera went back up to focus on the elevator. "It's going onto the next street!" Pam shouted. "Come on!" _

_There was a shot of the Figgis Agency running for a bit. Then on the slowly then rapidly descending elevator. "I hear something!" Pam was heard shouting._

"_AAAAAAH! GET ME DOWN!" Jim was heard faintly screaming as the elevator started to fall to the ground. "GET ME…NO WAIT! I DON'T WANT TO GO DOWN! I DON'T WANT TO GO DOWN! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" _

"_It's coming down!" Ray shouted in a high-pitched tone._

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" _

_CRASH! _

"_Oh my God!" Cyril gasped as the elevator crashed into and through the roof of a nearby store. "OH MY GOD!" _

"_It crashed in a mattress store!" Pam was stunned. "On top of a bunch of mattresses!"_

"_A __**going out of business**__ mattress store," Ray blinked. "Wow. What are the odds?"_

"_Better than you think," Krieger said. "Today's retail market is not as good as…" _

"_I meant the part about him falling on a pile of mattresses!" Ray snapped. _

"_Oh yeah __**that part**__ is pretty unlikely," Krieger agreed. "But the fact a mattress store is going out of business is actually pretty common these days." _

"_The fact any store is going out of business is pretty common these days," Pam said. "You go to the mall these days and half the stores are either empty or these junky pop up shops that sell funky hats, t-shirts or leggings." _

"_Who are you? Retail Weekly?" Cyril snapped. "We have to help him!"_

"_Whatever's left of him," Cheryl quipped. "Priapism!" _

"_Come on!" Ray motioned as they ran into the store. _

_The store was a mess. There was debris and mattress stuffing all over the place. The elevator doors opened and found Jim crumpled on the floor with a glassy look in his eyes. "Oh God!" Cyril groaned as they went to find him. _

"_He's alive!" Krieger said cheerfully as he examined him. "He's got a dozen broken bones but other than that he's fine!" _

"_Call an ambulance!" Cyril shouted. He looked around. "Somebody call a…Where the hell are all the employees?" _

"_Whoa man…" A young man in a red vest with a name tag that said Ted walked out of the back room. "Good thing I took my break early." _

"_Call an ambulance!" Cyril snapped. _

"_AAAHHHHH…" Jim screamed weakly. _

"_You want me to call it now?" Ted asked. _

"_No, I want you to call it a week from Thursday!" Cyril snapped. "Wait a minute, are you stoned?" _

"_Dude I'm losing my job…" Ted said. "Why wouldn't I get stoned?" _

"_He has a point," Pam said._

"_AAAAAHHHH!" Jim kept screaming._

"_I'll call the damn ambulance…" Cyril groaned. "Again, we're not liable for this right?"_

"_Yeah I don't want to be liable for this," Ted said to the camera. "I'm not even the supervisor. Oh wait, I might be. The last supervisor quit yesterday…I wonder if I get a pay raise?" _

"_Something tells me you might not," Ray looked up at the hole in the ceiling. _

"_AAAAAHHH!" Jim wailed._

"_Oh, right," Ted looked upwards. _

_The scene cut to Jim being wheeled out of the store on a gurney. "AAAAAHHH! No more elevators! Never again! NEVER AGAIN! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" _

"_I think they're going to be calling him Screaming Jim from now on," Cheryl remarked as the Figgis Agency watched Jim being taken away. _

"_We are so going to get sued for this," Cyril moaned as the screen faded to black. _

Ron stared at the screen in disbelief. "Well that was…Wow."

"They said it was the highest rated episode that show ever had," Lana told Ron. "Out of all 348. Of course, it's also the **last** one…Jim has sworn to never get into an elevator again. Much less repair one."

"They made three hundred and forty-eight episodes of **elevator repair**?" Ron asked.

"Apparently it's a relatively popular show in the Slavic regions," Lana said. "And of course, it's shown in elevator trade schools all over the world. Apparently, they did a whole season at this one hotel in Poland. It had like thirty-five different elevators. Did an entire show for every single elevator. Cyril told me the one about the service elevator was a two-parter."

"There's a joke in there somewhere," Ron remarked. "I mean I have to work on it and really think about it, but I'm **positive** there's a joke in there somewhere."

"The real joke is why I've been with these idiots for so long," Lana groaned.


End file.
